Always the Fixer? How to Stop Being the Team’s Emotional Dumping Ground
Stop Absorbing Everyone Else’s Chaos
This is
- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I recently wrote about professional ghosting, and how to deal with it.
It’s Mason.
He might be having a meltdown or a morning moment of glee.
You don’t know.
It’s the usual ping in Slack, “Have a sec?”
You sip your third cup of coffee for the day and exhale deeply. You don’t know this this morning. You are “easy to talk to,” but it’s enough.
You were hired to look at numbers and design cool stuff, not to be a therapist. Although you’ve been to a therapist, you are not qualified as one.
You ignore it.
Another alert comes in, and he has liked something you sent days ago. He is clearly trying to get your attention. It will lurk in your mind, so you hesitantly respond with a simple “sure.”
When Venting Turns Into Vortex
It could be Mason, Ashley, or Emma. The name does not matter, they have all brought you into this vortex of venting, and you have become the emotional dumping ground.
As described in “Primal Leadership” by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee, you have what could be an affiliative leadership style, which means you heal the rifts and motivate during stressful times (p. 55). You are the go-to person. That’s great, most of the time, as you are respected as a leader despite not having the corner office.
But, the venting has seemed to grow like a toxic waste dump growing and oozing.
Disgusting, right? Well, it definitely feels that way in your gut.
What do you do when Mason asks if you have a second or Emma seems to be pounding her head at her desk?
You are an empathic person. You are not an emotionless AI. But is it really empathic if you never have them grow and learn their own self-management to make it through their challenges? If you are the crutch, how will they learn to run?
It’s okay to delay or acknowledge that response but not be available immediately. By the time you are available, their emotions will have most likely passed, and they will have had to figure out an alternate route rather than venting to you.
Sorry to interrupt, but here is a special announcement. Click on the picture to learn more…
Stop Absorbing, Start Reflecting
Let’s say that you have accepted the chat with Mason over Slack. It’s not a time you can ignore. You have a project due at the end of the day, and you cannot have him break for the next few hours while he stews.
“This is so dumb. Why are we even doing it this way? Why did John tell us to put it this way? I don’t get it!” Mason exclaims it with a puff when you do a quick call.
You have been down this before. You have already validated his feelings. You have already empathized. He is now looping. It’s not a frustration on how to do the aspect of the presentation and show the data, but rather the approach he has been asked to contribute from the powers that be.
How about this time, you reflect rather than absorb his frustrations and fan the flames.
You can reflect on your own work by taking a minute before you dive back into it to acknowledge it and realize it is not your own. It might be easier said then done at times, you are human after all, but you can do it!
You can even reflect live and ask questions of curiosity, “How would you approach it?” Shift the conversation without ignoring it. You are listening but trying to move Mason out of his spiral constructively.
As an added bonus, he might even be able to achieve closure on his personal development goals by figuring this one out on his own, with a real approach to getting through it.
Self-Management Is the New Superpower
You lead with heart and give it your all. Work is not your whole life, but you give it your mind and soul while you are signed on.
At the end of your usual day, you are still on, even if sparingly, making sure you do not have Slack needing urgent attention or a meeting scheduled early in the morning. Suppose it is just your way of feeling more at ease. Perhaps it is that anxiousness you picked up during the day from others.
But what if your checking, your mothering, and what you think of as mentoring are taking away your charge? It is raining on you!
You are allowed to recharge, just like your computer that has been powered down, when you are completely done for the day.
A few daily practices that are not a luxury but to be embedded in your daily life to release the energy of others you picked up during the long day:
Being present. Not an hour ago, not an hour in the future, give your full attention to your present moment by noticing your fingertips, the gaze your eyes are looking at, and the scent of the air
Have a song play that brings you a memory, a good one, filling your soul with life
Head outside for a quick 10-minute walk. You don’t have to be in nature. Chilly out, throw on a jacket. A 10-minute walk can boost the happy chemicals in your brain.
Self-management steps like this are doable and are your superpower.
Be the Emotional Grownup, Not the Emotional Garbage Bin
If you are being the emotional grownup, the one with emotional intelligence skills that everyone knows you have. You are the reliable one, the doer, and the listener.
People in your presence walk away from spending time with you with their spirits lifted and ready to go. But do you feel like the garbage bin as a result?
You are a human, not a dumping ground.
You can delay the immediate gratification of a response to the Mason of your life. Sometimes, you don’t even have to respond at all. If you do, you do not have to absorb, but you can instead reflect. Reflecting can be a self-exercise or one you collaboratively.
Self-management will protect your peace and make you stronger. When you are stronger and feel at peace rather than being the betrodden dumping group, you maintain your capacity for empathy and become the successful you.
✅ What I’ve been analyzing this week (reading, watching, listening, etc.)
📖 I’m reading “Primal Leadership” by Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. This bestseller is going to reshape how I show up and lead.
📰I read this Buzzfeed article with real horror stories of people with a lack of empathy, including one who laments, “My family had zero empathy that having to pay for a decent apartment ate up almost half my income.”
📺I did my first LIVE with
, chatting about strategy, the convergence of tech, AI, human events and the future of work!Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers
As someone, who is a silent "looper", I understand how it feels for others and maybe that's why I don't even send any message anymore.
Someone once told me: "don't make another person's responsibilities and irresponsibilities your problem". A bit harsh, but it can also help the fixer's mental health.
On another note, I think I know someone who turned this into a business, (I don't know if it's profitable) so there's that.
I love this, keep the alpha coming - looking forward to our round 2 in a couple of weeks !