Neurodivergent, Not Defective

For Everyone Who's Ever Been Told to Tone It Down

May 19, 2025

This is

- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I recently wrote about the Truth about Burnout.

Image created by Colette Molteni through Storyblocks for Empathy Elevated

The emails are not stopping, and the pings on your Slack are going crazy.

Everyone and their mother has an urgent request.

Your hyperfocus is gone, obliterated.

The room seems louder, even though you are sitting in the relative quiet of your desk. The ground even groans, like the rumblings of an earthquake are starting, but really, it is just your foot flickering against the desk leg.

You want to firmly tell everyone vying for your attention, "One at a time!" But you hold back. Everyone else handles this with ease except you.

But really, it is not just you. There are quite a few of us who are wired differently. Our cup torrentially spills over because it barely reaches the half mark with others.

You are not defective. You might be neurodivergent - an umbrella term for those who've often felt disconnected from how others expect us to learn, focus, or connect. I identify as an HSP, a highly sensitive person, which some consider under the neurodivergent umbrella. I understand my wiring makes me attuned deeply to my surroundings, fierce in resilience, and able to think into the far corners of the mind that many do not give their conscious mind attention to.

In the world of tech, it has been one of my greatest gifts in reaching my professional goals. Acknowledging it as a part of me strengthened my empathy.

But not everyone sees it that way; instead, they see it as a bug.

How do I deal with a world not designed for people like me?

Unmasked and Unapologetic

"You're too sensitive!"

This was a common refrain I heard as a child and into my early adulthood. I still sometimes listen to it, generally interpreted as an insult or a way to make me feel defective. But the thing is, I'm not defective. Thankfully, it is rare that I get this so-called insult these days.

But no, it's not because I've changed who I am. Like the 15-20% of the population, I am HSP, which means my nervous system is set up differently. I am unapologetic about who I am. Self-awareness has been the key.

I pay close attention to detail, sometimes a crazy amount. I often get the comment, "Wow, this is so detailed." I say thank you. When the time is right and the circumstance is correct, I will be open about my nature of being highly attuned to details, my surroundings, etc.

I will assemble a presentation with detailed sourcing and emotively answer questions by reading my audience (empathically) beforehand.

I notice all the moving parts, the 20 things at once, the patterns, and can make a reasonable prediction about my data. Then, I validate it with predictive modeling.

When the code keeps throwing an error, I can usually find that one space or syntax that is missing without pulling my hair out. I am usually the person someone calls for help with, especially in Excel for formulas.

Other times, people do not like my high attention to detail. When I notice something they would rather avoid, or I can recall a detail they would rather forget.

I once served on a jury, and my attention to detail wasn't exactly appreciated by the prosecution. I had 20 pages of handwritten notes and too many conflicts in testimony to believe a "guilty" ruling was warranted. Coincidentally, the other analyst on the jury was also a "not guilty" vote.

I've chosen not to mask. Many of my neurodivergent peers don't either, and we are thriving because we've found spaces that value authenticity over conformity.

But what if you are not? I have been called 'quirky' as a term of endearment by my fellow neurotypicals.

What does your neurodivergent colleague need from you to shine?

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Your Version of "Normal" Isn't Universal

Consider your perception of time, surroundings, and beliefs; they're all shaped by personal experience.

You have not seen through the eyes of the person sitting near you. You have only seen yourself through a mirror image.

Your normal is your normal, but it is not Universal.

For those of us who are Neurodivergent, our normal is different. But honestly, this applies to anyone who is Neurotypical as well. So, as you read this, consider that your normal is not Universal, regardless of your neuro-makeup.

Be empathic. You do not need to understand everything about someone's behavior, but keeping an open mind and practicing empathy will go a long way.

I am highly sensitive to sounds, smells, and overpowering stimuli. Imagine someone popping a balloon just a few feet away; it would be jarring. I'd hope most would avoid doing that.

Even my four-year-old understands this. I believe she is neurotypical, but I know even she understands how we can be empathic to those of us wired differently. She was about to make a thunderous sound in the living room with her artwork and called for me. She looked at me and said, "Mama, this gonna be loud. Cover your ears!". Sure enough, it was loud. But I did not jump to the ceiling by taking a second to tell me.

If you are reading this, I presume you are an adult or at least older than my four-year-old. Can you show empathy like she did?

Create an environment of safety. Yes, my sensitivity to sound makes me different, but it also allows me to hear when someone is in distress from far away. It also helped me understand my daughter quite well with the subtleties of her tone, even before she could talk in full sentences.

This is not about accommodation. This is about success.

Be curious, and do not assume. Don't demand conformity, but rather explore continually thriving.

In tech, we have seen departments around user design and professionals committed to UX. Amazing, right? This field goes beyond assumptions and explores the art of the possible. Its practitioners learn their audience through empathy.

You wouldn't knowingly serve oyster sauce to someone with a shellfish allergy; we extend care in food and can do the same in workplace interactions. You would want your guests to enjoy their meal and have an evening of success as you, as their host. Know the crowd you are feeding.

Be an empathy catalyst when working with others, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical. When they are at their best, you can be at your best. This is not a zero-sum game. An act of consideration to know their perception is different from yours is often free but pays dividends.

Innovation Dies in Rooms Where Everyone Thinks the Same

Imagine a room where everyone has identical IQ, EQ, interests, and nearly similar appearance. Boring, right? How would a team like this innovate?

Creativity bursts out when we get past the conformity of what is or should be.

Innovation comes to life when our creative energies can flow uninhibited and be welcomed.

Neurodivergent people like myself (though not all, as we are all different) notice the nuance and patterns and might ask inconvenient questions. We might be direct. We're not difficult; we're wired for depth, insight, and, often, innovation.

What helps is to accept, neurodivergent folks included, that not everyone thinks the same. But that's what makes our unique individuality beautiful. Even when different, we can still work together with kindness and empathy for one another.

The first step is social awareness. Whoever you are, be aware of the room, whether digital or in person, of the people you are with. What makes them tick? What are their pet peeves? What makes them light up with the electric energy of excitement?

Being socially aware and finding acceptance in the subtle differences of the people you are with at the moment is the equalizer to harmony.

In reading Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, he discusses a study that seeks to understand why some groups are more effective while others are not. The key finding was that the most critical factor in maximizing the excellence of a group's product was the degree to which the members could create a state of internal harmony." (P.143).

Taking a one-size-fits-all approach will fail. To reach the harmony and sync of innovation and success in a group, committee, or team, you must be socially aware of the people. Harmony does not mean you never have disagreements, but it does mean that people feel safe to do so.

Wired Different does not mean Wired Wrong.

Being wired differently is not the problem; being misunderstood is.

As a neurodivergent individual, my attention to detail shines through in my work when I am given a complex task or have to explain the nuanced. It does not shine when I have 20 people trying to get my attention at once, and I am overwhelmed. Remember, attention to detail goes both ways, not just in the ways that please a neurotypical society.

I've come to embrace the "quirky" label. I am wired differently. It's okay!

Hyperfocus with a cup of matcha can almost feel meditative. Being sensitive to the needs of those without a voice is a gift in communication. Working in a group where people are all different, neurotypical and neurodivergent alike, is exhilarating when met in an environment of communication safety.

We are all wired differently from each other, as our perspectives are our own. Your mind has been shaped throughout your life to think like you. Your universe is your own. You are not wired wrong!

Whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, you are not defective. You are a feature among the 8 billion of us who call this earth our home.