The Thing We Forget When We’re Fed Up
How to Stay Human When Everyone’s Testing Your Patience
This is
- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I talked reflected on my week at the Tableau 2025 conference, and how empathy plays a great part in telling the story of data.
It’s Tuesday morning, at 11:11, and a second cup of coffee feels appealing, if nothing else, to take a break from your desk.
“If you don’t have it yet, that’s totally okay, but I thought it would be before noon.”
Jax in accounting really wants that data and seems to not understand the gravity of how deep the analysis is.
You have a slew of Slack alerts you have not checked yet.
That feeling of exhaustion, potential creeping burnout, is setting in. Is it because you have not had lunch yet? Is your patience being tested?
Emma down the hall in Finance, also working on the same project pings you at 11:14 with an “IMPORTANT MESSAGE”. Apparently, the data needs to be them by 11:30, not Noon. WHAT!? The JIRA board said end of day today, never mind noon that Jax is pushing for.
Your usual self of having great empathy in communication is wearing thin. Nobody seems to care about you, so why should you care?
Deep breathes. Let’s rewind and unwind in the moment. You can. Here’s how…
Welcome to the Fog: Why Confusion Isn’t Always Incompetence
The code kept throwing an error. My fellow analysts, even two who were even more technical than me, seemed unable to resolve it. But why? One of them broke what I had provided, but they seemed to be touching the workbook with a 10-foot pole.
They seemed to be in the fog or, even worse, the pitch dark about what to do next. I had held their hands before, but now I was at my wits' end, and with my deadlines piling up, I would not step in.
I had been trained on the ins and outs of this workbook. Over the last few months, I had live Q&A with them. They acknowledged understanding despite their facial expressions not matching their words.
Stakeholders were awaiting their results. It needed to be done.
Perhaps they were confused when 48 hours flew by and there was no action?
It was time to lead with heart. I had a choice - stay mad or take a breath and get things at least moving.
So, I pinged one of the team analysts, one of the more reliable ones I could generally count on. His days had been 12-13 hours. He was walking to the bus stop to pick up his son. Pressure was mounting, and he was fearful if he did not take care of other tasks.
The lack of completion and reticence was not incompetence but a battle of competing priorities.
He also had one clarifying question before proceeding. It was about grounding the right date format to align. This, too, was not a sign of incompetence but rather of inquisitiveness to make sure things were done right.
Later that day, he completed the code cleanup. He said it was quick.
I was proven wrong on my initial assumptions.
Spoiler: No One Woke Up Wanting to Annoy You Today
“Yeah, but what about…”
You’ve heard it before. You are trying to get something off the ground, make some headway on that JIRA board, but here you are - another roadblock by that one person!
Did they wake up and make it their mission to annoy you today?
Newsflash, it is not about you. These roadblocks they are creating, the constant questions that appear to be a delay tactic are in their own mindset. The limiting beliefs are bleeding into the project, like a rapidly spreading infection, that cannot be contained.
But what if the obstacles they are putting up are not necessarily grounded in logic, but primal fear? People hate change, some more than others.
Tap into what they are feeling. Cut the noise.
As suggested in the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Dr. Jean Greaves, you can take the approach of “Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings” (p.201) as a Relationship Management strategy.
Take the technical blockers the person is throwing out there out of it. Acknowledge the feeling behind it only. Like..
“Unpack that for me please. Why does this make you FEEL the need to pause?”
“We could adjust this slightly like XYZ. How would that FEEL?”
“Keeping it the status quo will keep the same issues live we have had for years. How have you FELT about these?”
The key here is to bring out the feelings. Get to the root of what they are feeling before tackling the technical aspects. Change is scary, and first, you must face the fear head-on.
Behind That Slack Status Is a Whole Human Life
When we are emotionally charged, it is easy to forget that a real person is behind the screen. Even in a work environment, it's tempting to be more open with our harsh thoughts and feelings through the keyboard than face to face.
But the reality is, it is up to us. It is our imperative to remember we are all human, regardless of the annoyance you feel in the moment.
The Green dot on someone’s Slack status can be deceiving. Yes, they might be working a full 8-hour day or more, but if they are remote, especially, their work might be punctuated by stressful distractions like an ailing parent, a child in need of care, or a feud in their own household.
In the office? Some days someone might be functioning at 60% vs. their usual 110%. What you see beyond the pleasantries of “how are you?” Might not be readily apparent.
Most of us have professional goals. We strive to do our best, often trying the best we can. Some days, we just can’t, even with the best intentions.
I recently learned from a colleague that they were a little in and out for a couple of weeks due to divorce mediation proceedings and the finalization of the decision to buy their house. Of course, they were a little distracted! They are human.
Have grace. Think of the times, with gratitude, someone has had grace for you. Think of how you felt.
Do not contribute to the incivility prevalent in the workplace. Be the bringer of calm, a lighter touch, and a general aura of safety.
Someone's hidden stress can remain hidden. You do not need to know exactly what is happening to be a person of grace and maintain your civility.
Empathy Isn’t a Checkbox. It’s a Mindset Shift
When you are at your wit’s end and having empathy feels like checking a must-do box, it is time for a mindset shift.
I like crossing off things off a list, but this is not one of those areas you can do that.
It is nearly impossible to empathize and be the “bigger person” if you are in a negative state.
Breathe. Pause before reacting. Be curious before levying accusation, whether out loud or in your spiraling mind.
Calm, then act. Ask, don’t assume.
We all have moments when we are annoyed. We might be aggravated at ourselves as we are self-critical or Dave down the hall who keeps fumbling. I encourage you this week to deliberately have some grace, whether for yourself or someone down the hall.
Your mindset shift by pausing will make it so having empathy or compassion is not just one more task.
It is the objective you act on that smooths out the week, relieves the pressure, and brings a bit of calm to the high-velocity work environment.
✅ What I’ve been Analyzing this week (reading, watching, listning, etc.)
📖 I’m reading Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors (How to be More Likable and Charismatic) by Patrick King, reading more in depth about the Eneagram types.
🖍️See the new color defined by Scientists: Olo!
✍️ I commented on a post by
in his Substack the on the need to build psychological safety.Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers
A very timely post about how volatile a workplace can be. In large work environments we often fall-back to thinking and protecting ourselves. Empathy is needed more than ever.
Thanks for the shout out and the comment. Much appreciated 🙌🏽