Vanishing Acts: Why Professional Ghosting Isn't Always About You.
When people disappear, don’t lose yourself. Strategize.
This is
- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I recently wrote about how strategy is NOT just logic, it is beyond that. Read on…
You hit send, feeling gitty as your right index finger touches the Enter key. The energy you felt even with the first inquiry was electrifying.
This is beyond a regular business conference or those small-talk ones you often meet at networking events. This is someone you could brainstorm with, meet over coffee, and even maybe refer to a role one day on your own team.
It's Thursday morning, and there is nothing from them in your DMs. You do have a spam message. Annoying! No worries, though. It's still early.
You go into the weekend and still haven't received a response. Your strategy is to give a little bit more time. Interesting, though…you have seen the green light on their status. They are around. You are not going to be a pest.
It's a month later. There is no reply. You are bitter. You pissed. How dare they ghost you!
But really, what happened?
Why One Cold Shoulder Isn't Worth Your Warm Energy
Hey, do you think I should message so and so…
I've had those times out of the blue. Someone I saw reminded me of someone. A song came on that you remembered they liked. A news alert popped up on your screen, reminding you of them.
You did not know them too well, but they are a business connection, so you decided to shoot them a direct message on LinkedIn.
You are sipping your morning coffee in the warmth of the early morning as the sun rises, and your tone reflects this.
Much like the new connection, this long-time connection never replies. You can see they read it, but they…ghost you. It's strange, because the last time you talked to them, you had a great chat.
Here's the thing - these people are not worth your time. They don't respect your time; you do not need to give them more energy. This does not reflect a lack of empathy. This is smart.
It's smart when you let it go and realize it is not a reflection of you. It is most likely their perception or their own issues with time management. You might hear back from them weeks from now. In the meantime, release it, distract yourself if needed, and move on to connections that value you. Practice it. You are human and not an emotionless machine, so executing this might take some practice and deliberate strategy.
Your impulse might be to keep following up. Don't. As described in "Primal Leadership" by Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, and Annie McKee, "The self-regulation competencies, particularly emotional self-control — may require special effort at first to get to the point of mastery." With that, remember it might be tough to "just move on" at first, but it is doable.
Move on from the scarcity mindset that this one person defines your worth. Remember, for every connection that ghosts, dozens more would beam with a smile and warmly write you back with gratitude.
Sorry to interrupt, but a special announcement. Click on the picture to learn more…
Go Where the Gratitude Is
You've grabbed your food from the buffet line at the networking breakfast for the conference. Now, where should you sit?
You don't know a soul in sight.
You ask if there is room at a table. Someone makes an inviting gesture and offers to take a set. You settle.
The gregarious gentleman to your left reaches out a hand and gives a firm handshake. "Hi, I'm Scott!" You get into a conversation comparing your hometowns and some of the craziness of both being pet owners. You are starting to lose track of time when he suddenly stands up, invites you to connect, and then has to hurriedly rush off to the next session.
You look to your right. A small group is talking in conversation. It is not particularly in-depth. You find an opening to introduce yourself. Everyone else introduces themselves. Leveraging your empathy in communication and being a new arrival, you decide to listen more than you talk. Nothing is exciting, but you try to add to the conversation.
But here is what stops you from talking more…the body language is turning away. Despite being complete strangers, the small group seems to not want anyone else in their tight circle. It's not flat-out ghosting, but it feels unwelcome. You all say your polite goodbyes. In the midst of it with each other, even they make no mention of a follow-up connection.
A couple hours later, you have a DM. Scott has expressed gratitude and has invited you to connect.
Of course, you will! Why would you waste your energy on people who showed no reciprocal interest, any more than your caloric intake on unappetizing holdovers?
Yes, I've Ghosted Too
Now, I met someone at a tech industry event who initially seemed delightful. As part of my professional goals, I've often tried to initiate conversations with those outside my related industry.
We have a lot in common.
We spent some more time outside the event and made plans to meet again should we cross paths. Our conversation was intellectual and went beyond the typical surface-level talk you engage in at these networking events.
Then, it got weird.
I was asked to provide feedback on a workpiece they did. I did, and my interpretation was not negative but differed from what they had in mind. It was met with angry defensiveness.
A few weeks later, I woke up on a holiday morning to find I had received peculiar texts in the middle of the night, seemingly still defending the position I had taken a month earlier on the workpiece.
I ghosted. I did not respond. I needed to set a boundary, and I wanted to set it, without the the chaos that can come with direct confrontation. Maybe it was wrong in retrospect, but it is what I chose to do at the time to set boundaries.
Non-engagement was the path forward. My perception of this individual is that they were seeking a different type of post-networking relationship than I needed in my life.
A few months later, coincidentally also around the holiday, I received a softer message. I briefly acknowledged it.
A few months later, I received a photo. This time, I did not respond. Nothing was offensive in this, but I knew further conversation could erupt into something unwanted and conflict-oriented—not my cup of tea.
I, too, have been guilty of ghosting. This was a silent, strategic goodbye that did not ruffle feathers or require adding fuel to the fire. Thankfully, they got it. We have both gone on our merry way.
Leave Space. Not Resentment
We are human, not an emotionless AI. It is natural to feel. But how we strategically move forward makes all the difference.
It can take practice not to be tempted to keep following up. It can take discipline to self-regulate and not get stuck on that one correspondence we sent out that felt like it went into the ether.
The truth is, though, that not everyone we meet is for us. Some people are brief in your life for 10 minutes, and others for 10 years! Be an empathy catalyst along the way. Be empathic to the fact that not all people will gel with you or have time for you. Do not have expectations, and you will be free.
Leave space for connection and expansion, and the resentment will be relegated to the far reaches beyond what your heart can touch.
✅ What I’ve been Analyzing this week (reading, watching, listning, etc.)
📖 I’m reading “Primal Leadership” by Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. This is a bold take on applying the power of emotional intelligence to all that we do in acts of leadership
🎬I watched the new “Lilo & Stitch” movie in theaters. Lilo, for all of her growing pains, exhibits great empathy when she befriends him and reassures him of the good in everyone
✍️ I read a post by
on how to say NO to your team lead. I commented on the line I like to use to push back, respectively, and strategically allocate my time in a manageable way.Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers
Ngl, i have a diabolical specialty in ghosting, BUT, none of them was of my own accord. I use to initiate and push conversations and it wasn't lost on me that I did most of the work.
So i practiced, so well, i taught my closest friends how to ghost too.
Now, the same people complain i'm a ghoster and sometimes, I don't feel sorry.
Those who respect me and my messages, I respect theirs too.
Thank you for writing this. It's a great reminder that ghosting is sometimes more about the other person than about you.
How much would you follow up with a person before deciding to stop contacting them? I know that I've accidentally ghosted people and appreciate follow-up sometimes.