The One Question That Instantly Improves Any Team Discussion
From Stalemate to Action
This is
- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I talked recently about how you can get a YES, when you are trying to leverage your influence.
Who schedules a meeting on Friday at this time anyway?
Toby down in Finance does because, apparently, looking at spreadsheets that are about to crash from too many tabs on a Friday night is a source of entertainment.
Anyhoo, you are listening to your teammate politely argue with Toby on how we want to split out some data.
As much as you are aggravated by the late meeting Toby scheduled, you can tell this conversation will drag on because of your coworker. They do not see Toby's perspective, and their annoyance impulses get the best of them.
In Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, he says, "Being able to put aside one's self-centered focus and impulses has social benefits: it opens the way to empathy, to real listening, to taking another person's perspective." (page 253).
But how could your coworker kick this off and open their way to empathy?
Asking the right questions or questions that draw the conversation this way will end the looping.
End the "But that's how we've always done it" mentality.
"what is this?"
"what is what?"
"all this crap!"
That conversation still sticks out in my mind from my teen years as I perused an Apple products-focused store (not the Apple store) and watched a customer in the mid-50s get flustered with a store clerk.
I saw the same thing at home; that may be why it stuck.
We had upgraded to a real computer, vs. operating on a Word processor.
Perhaps I am aging myself here, but we had a computer like a Word Processor as a young child. It could do more, like pull up maps and help you order food, but that is a story for another time.
Change is hard. Whether you are the store clerk, sales rep, or technical person "selling" your new feature, you have to act as an empathy catalyst. To be a catalyst for change, you have to understand their perspective.
The statement, "But that's how we've always done it," is a statement of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that they will not be able to solve the problem they have successfully solved in a tried and accurate fashion.
Find out what problem they were tackling. They probably just do not know how to tackle it in a new way. So, be their guide and assure them.
How to get your team talking (without the eye rolls)
You might be in the same room as her, but you can tell when Sarah in the corner of your Zoom screen is having a minor eye roll. You can tell when Nathan has gone off video; his eyebrows are probably squished, trying to contain his deep, explosive thoughts.
As part of your professional goals, you want to appear level-headed, but it's tough sometimes. Feelings can be contagious, even in a digital room!
How do you shake it up?
You get people talking and having open dialogue.
If you do not understand a process, ask them as you would with a popular ChatGPT prompt: " Walk me through that step by step."
It is a piece of code you do not understand. Ask, "Walk me through from here."
If there is no business talk and awkward silence, break up the conversation with something light. Now, be cautious about how you interject. It would not be appropriate right after someone has got really tense to interrupt and ask about weekend plans. Trust me, I have witnessed that, and it made things worse. After a pause, you can gently segway through and say, "So, let's put that in the parking lot to address #. On a fun note, does anyone have some good news or wins to share?"
Change the tone and make it positive. Lower the temperature and get people engaged.
How One Smart Question Leads to Better Decisions
What is THE QUESTION I can ask? The ones before this about solving a problem with change and inducing open dialogue are like appetizers to the Big Question.
The big question and the point of this post is one of my favorites:
What challenges are you trying to shine a light on?
That is the "smart" question I like to use.
Here is what it works:
- It addresses potential challenges with a change or new initiative but does not imply it is a problem
- Shine a light is positive language
It is empathic and tells the other person I want them to shine in the spotlight to tell me
It puts my attention on their needs
I leveraged this recently while reviewing a new dashboard methodology with a team.
The team referred to the HOW behind how they used to get their data but not the NEED. They referred to the steps in their old system, but the piece missing was the WHY.
So I asked the big question. We kicked into our empathic listening as a data team.
Our stakeholders immediately explained the WHY. It was to track contract status for follow-up, usually around the third week of the month. This would enable revenue generation before the close of the month. In this explanation, there was no mention of the steps in the old system; it was just the need.
The new methodology had not covered this, as it was determined. My internal team immediately put together a game plan to provide this view.
Now, with the light shining on the need, we could activate a solution to the challenge.
From Stalemate to a Solution
Toby and your coworker do not need this "polite fight."
A simple question or two, especially the big question of, "What challenge are you trying to shine a light on?" can lift them out of the dark loop.
Whether you are resisting change, unlocking a more positive and forward-moving conversation, or just needing to ask an intelligent question, keep this one in your back pocket.
I like sticky notes. I like them too much. I have to clear them from my desk almost monthly as they start to clutter close to my pens and coffee mug coaster.
But this question is written on a sticky note, and I keep tackling these conversations head-on, with this one brilliant question right in my face.
✅ What I’ve been Analyzing this week (reading, watching, listening, etc.)
📖 I’m reading Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brené Brown. I am reading about how the pitfalls of attempting empathy, such as making it too much about you.
📸I learned about Daryl Davis recently through Builders. He states, “"How can you hate me if you don't even know me?” Learn more about how he broken down barriers.
✍️ I commented on a post by
on his Substack, about the need for planning, but also flexibility. Could you give it a read?Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers