Want People to Say Yes? Influence Starts with Empathy
Empathy: The persuasion tool no one teaches
This is Empathy Elevated - your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I talked recently about Why You Can’t Focus (And What to Do About It).
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Today is the day, and you are ready to present the case to do the system upgrade.
The current system looks like it's from Windows 95, and it's time to break past the comfort zone of the people leveraging it.
The numbers are airtight, and the logic behind this obvious decision is.
The go/no-go meeting should be a slam dunk. This upgrade is a sure pathway to move ahead in your professional goals and showcase its deployment.
You are presenting, and your eyes are wandering. Susan, in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, has gone off video. Uh oh.
You are working to get it back on track and provide more data points. There is no way this upgrade can be denied.
You are done, and there is an awkward silence. There is no flat-out rejection, but there is no buy-in either. One of the senior leaders speaks up to pierce the silence, " Uh, let's circle back next week."
That's it. No upgrade. Or is it? What on earth went wrong?
Tech Jargon Is Killing Your Pitch. Here's How to Fix It
During a virtual second-level interview, I sat across to see who would be my future boss as selected. My pitch: I wanted to be selected for the role and advance to the panel interview.
I said, "clients," and he said, "users." I said, "Office," and he said, "Space." I said, "leveraging SAQL," and his acknowledgment was trepid: " Okay."
I was not catching on and used jargon that did not align. My language was contrarian, not mirroring.
My word tempo was speedy, like the pace of my purposeful walk, and he was laid-back, like a chill surfer.
My empathy in communication was failing. I was not picking up on my audience or speaking his language.
I did not advance to the panel interview because I killed my pitch for the role. My background was a near-perfect match for the role, but it did not gel.
I immediately took time to note their repeated words at the following interview. I researched the company not just for what it did but also for the phrasing and feeling evoked by its slogan and marketing materials.
Of the next 3 companies I interviewed, I received 1 offer, which I gladly accepted. We spoke the same lingo and gelled like strawberry jam on toast.
What's in It for Them? Nail That, or Lose Them
Early in my career, I would go head-in with the data, assuming that was all that was needed. If the numbers were there, I figured that would be enough.
I stormed into my manager's office one morning at 10:03 a.m., fresh off three cups of coffee, excited about my findings about how we could tweak a process our reps were using to get better data.
I got a neutral "okay."
I returned to my desk, wondering what went wrong. Who wouldn't want better data?
My failure here was that I was not framing it around his priorities or those of the department. What was getting better data of any interest to them if it did not result in better attainment towards one of the 7 (I know, too long a list) KPIs they had to hit, one of them being revenue goals?
I needed to go in as an empathy catalyst. I needed to think about my audience.
So, I went outside the hard data. I started to ask reps about their process. During their downtime between calls with prospective customers calling in, I had casual conversations out in the cubicles, finding out how their days were. Inevitably, I got tidbits of qualitative data along the way.
According to some reps, this aspect of the process sometimes resulted in lost sales. It was not smooth and felt awkward. For the reps taking a more assumptive approach in their process vs. an open-ended question, they were not just losing sales; they were gaining more.
I started tweaking my numbers, making it less about clean data for me to work with and more about implementing this slight process change around the rep's productivity and ease of increasing referral sales.
I kept the conversations going with the reps out on the floor. I wanted to ensure they knew I advocated for something in their world, not mine.
The casual chats turned into increasing buy-in. Word traveled.
In my one-on-ones over the next few weeks, I would gently bring it up again, but this time from the perspective of empathizing with the reps and the department's overall success.
Two months later, I was called into my manager's office at 10:04 a.m. I was to start on this project immediately and had some colleagues assigned to work with me to tackle the process change I had been advocating for.
If You Want Buy-In, Stop Making It All About You
I sat across from the two gentlemen at my kitchen table as they passed me heaps of papers about their company's product for cooling my home in the heat of summer.
I cared about knowing the system had a good warranty and that it could be installed before June 4th.
The shorter man, well-dressed in a light blue collared shirt, excitedly told me how a woman founded the company. He figured I would like that, which was a bonus. But then he kept droning on about her story of founding the business and her life through the decades. At 4 minutes and 44 seconds, I did not care anymore.
As I read in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves, the Relationship Management chapter discusses how you need to Align Your Intention with Your Impact. The two gentlemen trying to sell me their air conditioning service needed to consider if their words were having the intended impact. A quick analysis of my lack of eye contact and blank stare could have prompted them to change their approach. But they did not do this.
My priorities were keeping my house's air conditioning system within my budget and within the given timeframe. I also needed a system that would work with my house, built in 1959, not against it.
After 93 minutes of jibber-jabbering, they came up with a proposal. The floor vents would need to be covered, vents drilled into the walls, and the furnace flipped, all for a price 137% over my budget. A little bit over would have been okay, but not that much.
I politely said, "I would think about it," and saw them out.
Their pitch failed. It was about their company, its owner, and bright marketing materials, not about my goals (a package in my price range) and priorities (an air-conditioning system) with minimal disruption to my home.
What could have gone better? Focusing on a system that met the needs of my home (which a competitor later did) and asked me more about my priorities in selecting a vendor. The assumption was not the right way to go. Ask!
Kill the Doubts Before They Kill Your Idea
"And how much will be for 100 licenses for the year?"
You will probably get a flat no if your answer exceeds the budget.
If it is slightly higher, but you have sold the value and solved a pain point, you might still get a yes.
Regardless of price, time, or simple resistance to change, you can manage objections before they happen.
I know what you are talking about. This takes a touch of emotional intelligence, particularly within relationship management. Are you talking to a senior leader with a reputation for being slower to warm up to ideas or an enthusiastic tech founder willing to throw a dart at even a "bad idea" to try it and see if it sticks?
Most of all, who are you in relation to the person who might object to your idea? Are you a subordinate? Do you hold soft power or some other lever, such as personal likeability? Think before you storm in, like I did early in my career, to propose an idea.
Make the idea about them and solve their pain point. Avoid using jargon to sound smart. It might just confuse them or come off as arrogant. Frame the ideas around their priorities. Why sell an idea of a new product that is heavily discounted when the priority is functionality? And, of course, handle the objections before they happen.
Want people to say yes to your idea? It starts with knowing your audience, which, at its core, involves leveraging the power of empathy.
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✅ What I’ve been Analyzing this week (reading, watching, listening, etc.)
📖 I’m reading Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brené Brown. I am reading about how shame is the opposite of empathy.
📺 Veronique Barrot gave a listing on her LinkedIn last week of top recommended TED talks to watch, to transform your life!
✍️ I commented on a blog post by Jen Bergren with her weekly recommendations for Articles, Reports, Guides, and Newsletters. Jen puts a lot of work into her guide, making it easy for you to stay on top of your Operations game first thing Monday. Check out her Substack! I highly recommend it.
Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers
This article is a powerful reminder of how often we assume data and rational arguments will win people over. In reality, as the author highlights, human decision-making is far more emotional and context-driven than we might think. This insight challenges us to rethink how we approach communication in both professional and personal settings.
Thank you so much for recommending my newsletter! I enjoyed this article!