Why Stress Makes You Snappy (and Kinda Dumb)
June sped up, my patience slowed down
This is
- your weekly guide and shortcut to mastering emotional intelligence through the power of empathy. I recently wrote about how to get taken seriously, even in a room of experts.
You're pissed.
It's Olivia again, pinging you for a "quick question."
You're swamped. No, you do not have time for her simple question.
Deadlines are looming. The fiscal year is ending.
Your patience is put to the test with her first message to you on Slack. Your Slack back is snarky, served with a slice of extra annoyance.
Then, dread sets in. She is apologetic but defensive, backing away. You feel shame.
This isn't you.
Why You Keep Rewriting That Same Damn Email
You now need to send an apology to Olivia.
It's been a day, but you realize that, as part of your own brand and professional goals, and simply as a good person, you should say something.
But you are feeling done. You have tweaked the email and are analyzing it over and over again.
But, you just keep rewriting that same damn email.
I've been there.
Your brain is fried. It's time to get up for 10 minutes and walk. Maybe it's time to take 3 minutes and go get that extra cup of coffee you don't really need, to get up from your desk and take your mind's energy elsewhere.
See, when your mind's energy is consumed by the logic of trying to make the email perfect, with your emotional mind all over the place, the end product on your keyboard is not going to be what you want it to be.
So, get out of your head. Be self-aware for even just a minute, if it's staying out of the window.
When your thoughts are flowing, your actions will follow, and if you are emotionally ruminating, so will your words.
When the mind is buzzing and not producing the way you want, it's time to step back.
Burnout Doesn't Send a Calendar Invite
You could be burned out, or on the edge of it.
Unlike the Outlook alert kindly reminding you that you are meeting with Jack for a one-on-one meeting in 5 minutes, burnout doesn't send a calendar invite.
You take pride in having empathy in your communication. You get stuff done, even when nobody is looking. Things hang by a thread when you're away for a bit.
That irritability with the Slack message or your mind spinning when trying to send that email could be a deeper issue. Your inner flame may be dimming due to burnout exhaustion.
If you are here, know that it is common. You have already taken the first step in self-management to bring your fire back - acknowledging to yourself it is creeping in.
Need to tackle this, read about when Burnout is a No-Go.
Breathe First. Then Speak.
In "Primal Leadership" by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee, it's stated that "Empathy builds on self-management, but that means expressing emotions as appropriate, not stifling them" (page 50).
It's okay to have your emotions.
Don't stifle them. But, breathe first when they are coming in strong, and in a way that could hurt you or others.
Empathize.
Do you need to have a tough discussion with someone? Do you need to give feedback to someone that might be hard to hear? Do you need to say NO?
Consider how to approach it in a way that will be acknowledged and received. Attempting to do this on the fly, especially when your emotions are running high, will be nearly impossible.
You are human, and it's beautiful. You are not an emotionless AI.
Breathe, just 30 seconds. It has been proven that even just 30 seconds of breathwork can calm your nerves and reset you.
Being empathic is not just for the other person, but also about having self-compassion for yourself. Taking the half minute to do so will take you further than just diving in blazing.
Stress Makes You Stupid. Self-Compassion Makes You Smarter.
I lead with heart and work to empathize, even with those I differ with.
June was tough.
It was fast. Real fast. Did anyone else feel this way?
July is even going to be faster.
Going into the month ahead, I am reflecting on what I learned and realizing that my stress quite literally made me stupid. It made me silly, not in my IQ, but my EQ.
When you're stressed, the more primal parts of your brain activate (to survive, as if you're running from a mammoth), even though it's just James in the corner of your screen irritating you.
It can make you say stupid things, send snarky Slack messages, overanalyze emails, or lead to burnout.
Stop, breathe, and remember that you are in control of yourself. You have you. Self-compassion and a moment to step back will be being a best friend to yourself.
Regain your empathy, compassion, and sound mind.
✅ What I’ve been analyzing this week (reading, watching, listening, etc.)
📖 I’m reading Trailblazer: The Power of Business as the Greatest Platform for Change by Marc Benioff and Monica Langley. I am learning to understand more of Benioff’s business philosophy through his interest in Zen.
🎓 This article by Walden University talks about if kindness and empathy are a natural instinct.
💠I read this post by
on the quiet psychology of people, including how the brain is not designed for happiness.Want more on Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Elevate your career? 📈
I empower💪tech people to elevate their empathy, to accelerate their careers
Have you heard this technique that when you feel stressed or anxious, you should imagine basically eating an orange and really feeling the citrusy taste and the texture of the juice and skin?
Supposedly, in order to imagine such a thing, you need to activate the right side of your brain and that cannot be done while also experiencing anxiety. So essentially, it's a way to push the anxiety away from your brain :D
Sounds wild, I want to try it next time I'm struggling.
Breathing also work wonders, though.
For me, June was really slow, but July seems really fast.
I think stress is just part of life. It's a way our system tells us that something needs attention, (rest, change, or an action) and I also think it's unrealistic to avoid it.
Recognizing it and managing it well, is how we show EQ.